I was once at a concert by this guy and he said something that really struck a chord with me about having a love/hate relationship with your work. When taking suggestions towards the end of the show, someone yelled out that they wanted to hear a specific one of his songs, to which he responded with something along the lines of “No, I hate that song, I don’t know why you guys like it” with some expletives and (friendly) scoffing inserted here and there. He then went on to say something about how he feels bad because he understands that some people really like it and connect with it, but he just never felt great about it. It caught me off guard… someone else- or more specifically someone I consider to be successful- feels like that?
While I’ve never really had a problem with being outspoken about my self-critique (I’ve had several professors in the past tell me to stop throwing out or painting over works that I have deemed not worthy), I guess I thought it was just me. I thought that maybe that would go away once you reached ‘success’ (whatever you choose that to mean). Thinking about it now makes it seem kind of silly (no, Angelika, people do not become perfect when they become successful) but I never really had a reason to think about it prior to this so I just made these assumptions. It was just another case of finding it really encouraging to hear about other people’s failures. Or, in this case, personal failures that others still may consider to be successes.
When creating Wolność i Prawda, I was asked how I felt about it after I was done, I told a professor that I was happy with it for the most part but there were some pages that I liked a lot more than others. What I meant by that was that I would very happily change some of the pages because they were simply not good. He simply responded with ‘Of course you do. You can’t like them all equally.’ And this made so much sense, but the perfectionist in me could not grasp that until I heard it coming from someone else. (Fortunately, the perfectionist in me had no chance against the procrastinator in me and there was barely any time to get the book all glued together before the deadline, much less to change whole pages!)
Not completely directly related to this post, as I’m not ready to give up on this one yet, here’s the progress of a piece I’ve been working on. But in relation to this post, I always feel like I get stuck about 50% in to any piece, and that is where I am right now. Stuck in the sense that I want to abandon it and give up on it and start anew. I’ve taken a couple weeks off from this piece to work on some other stuff but I think I’ll attempt to dive back in this week. I’m still not at hate, but I’m certainly not at love yet, which I suppose is a good thing since it’s no where near done yet!